Foundations

Be wary when your foundations begin to shake. It is quite alright to argue the tough stuff, but be diligent when rocking your foundations.

Spinning

What it when things start spinning.
There is bound to be a drain somewhere.

Inner Child

I see too versions of myself. I see the version of me that you see. As a passerby, you may notice me standing upright or slightly hunched, depending on the mood. You see a confident or slightly self conscious person, given my emotions. On a good day, you will catch my smile, and sometimes it may be directed at you. On a bad day, you might look into my eyes, and see the anxiety lying just beneath. If you are one of my good friends, you also see this version of me. You see me better than most though. You know when I have a bad day without me having to say it. It’s true that sometimes I will let you down, but you know I truly love you in spite of my actions sometimes. You may see me when I don’t see you, and I hope that you might catch a glimpse of the other me. I will leave that to a fate beyond myself. This first version of me, is the me I profess. I claim him. I am that guy. You see me confidently standing firm. I laugh robustly and try to warm most of the rooms I’m in. I work hard to make you feel loved. I hope this comes across. Then there is the me that no one knows well.
I see this other version of myself that only God truly knows. I see this little boy sitting in the corner. I see tears welling up in his eyes because of something someone said. I see him hang his head because he was hurt when one of his friends let him down. I see his anger when he can’t do things right. I see a little boy who wants desperately to be held. I see a boy that would do anything to get someone to love him the way he needs it. I see a boy that puts his self-worth on the line every time he takes a risk on someone. I see this little boy trying to grow up, but can’t because of himself. I see a little boy longing for something more. You may have seen this little boy in me at some point, but I do my best to keep him occupied. I keep him to myself mostly. I have learned how to suppress him. Yes, he can hinder me sometimes from saying the things I really wish I could, and yes, he sometimes reminds me just how hurtful someone’s words or actions can be. What am I supposed to do with him though? He’s my inner child, and he lives strong. God only knows what I would do without him. I like to think that this same inner child holds the key to my faith. Wasn’t it Jesus himself who said, it takes the faith of a child? Maybe that’s some key to unlock the mystery of ourselves. What if this inner child, this version of ourselves that we try to hid, was the key to figuring out what it means to love without reserve, cry when people are watching, smile when we mean it, rush headlong into relationships, fall head over heals, and authentically care for those around us? Will we know? What does your inner child say to you? Have you grown so cynical and jaded that you can’t hear your inner child? I think he or she is there. If you listen long enough and think hard enough, wouldn’t you give anything to go back and be a kid again? Think about this. Faith of a child. Don’t ever become too grown up to realize that your inner child is there, and if you try to keep him or her away, they aren’t going to leave you. Think like a child today, and live as an adult. The two do not have to be separate.

Reality

Reality will set in at the most inopportune times. It always seems to be something that you could have probably figured, but for some reason your unconscious won't allow it to surface. So you go along in your blissful state wondering why the world is so peachy, and then all of the sudden, a car backfires and you are brought raging back to reality. It can happen to anyone really, and it takes many forms. For instance, reality can set in to the person that realizes that they can't in fact, have their cake and eat it too. Reality sets in to the accountant when he has checked his figures for the sixth time and come up with six different figures. Reality sets in for the crazed spender when his card comes back at the restaurant denied. To the alcoholic, reality shows it's face when he is found face down in a tepid puddle of his own vomit. To the drug addict, reality comes and joins him when he is shaking and trying to rip off his skin because he is going through withdrawals. With the slamming of the door, reality steps in the house as the mother, tears in her eyes, holds her child as the father walks out the door never to return. Reality sets in as a vacation from the daily grind comes closer to an end. Reality sets in when someone in a relationship is caught cheating. Reality sets in when you find yourself in the grips of a sin that you think has no end. What is your reality? Do any of these fit your reality? If not, then what is it? Know that reality doesn't have to be bad, and in fact, reality can spur action to make the right decision. Also know that when your reality sparks a decision, you aid someone Else's experience of reality. Reality will find you eventually...it's inevitable.

love will.

love will make you dizzy.
in fact, it will ruin you.
it has the power to warm.
it has the power to freeze.
gone right, love moves mountains.
gone wrong, love shatters emotions.
with love, life is amplified.
without love, life is numb.
try not to disguise your love.
you don't have to guess if you do.
love will.

Waiting

Why is waiting so hard? What is it about waiting on something that drives us as humans crazy? Is the build up of anxiety too great for some? Is there a pending sense of doom that drives us mad? What if we are hurt by waiting for something? What if the waiting is the purpose in the first place? Are you waiting?
What are you waiting for? Answers, mail, love, news, a call, a message, an email, healing, brokenness? Can you choose from one of these? Is yours different from the list? If so, what are you waiting on? Could it be that you don’t know what you are waiting on in the first place? Are you scared about the answers? I know that many times, answers scare me the most.
I’ll be honest, I feel like I’m waiting all the time. I’m waiting to figure out how someone feels. I’m waiting on answers from God. I’m waiting on mail from home. I’m waiting for healing. I’m waiting on love. I’m waiting on a friend. I’m waiting on definitions. I’m waiting for my heart to break.
There is so much I’m waiting on. What would it be like if we got answers immediately? Think about it. You are wondering one day if you will fall in love, and BAM, you get your answer immediately. She turns her head and says, “Can I fall in love with you.” He bumps into you and asks, “I was just thinking if I’d fall in love, and here you are.” How crazy would it be if things like that would happen?
I think much is learned about personal character during times of waiting. Your strength of character comes shining through. When you are forced to forget about something that you have no answer for, it is hard. You must cope. Coping produces a solution to an underlying problem. For me, I run, swim, or just do something crazy. It’s because I’m waiting. What if I used this time of waiting to trust in something real? What if God became the focus of times where I wait? Be it a few days, a few hours, a few years…you are going to be waiting. So lean on God during that time. It’s hard, and it doesn’t feel like the right thing, but in reality it’s the only thing. Why worry yourself with things that you can’t really control anyway? You should just relax. It’s all going to be okay.

there is...

there is so much I want to say.
there is so much I wish I knew.
there is so much of which i'm unsure.
there is breath in my lungs.
there is life in my emotions.
there is truth in my smile.
there is pain in my tears.
there is strength in an embrace.
this is life.