Inner Child

I see too versions of myself. I see the version of me that you see. As a passerby, you may notice me standing upright or slightly hunched, depending on the mood. You see a confident or slightly self conscious person, given my emotions. On a good day, you will catch my smile, and sometimes it may be directed at you. On a bad day, you might look into my eyes, and see the anxiety lying just beneath. If you are one of my good friends, you also see this version of me. You see me better than most though. You know when I have a bad day without me having to say it. It’s true that sometimes I will let you down, but you know I truly love you in spite of my actions sometimes. You may see me when I don’t see you, and I hope that you might catch a glimpse of the other me. I will leave that to a fate beyond myself. This first version of me, is the me I profess. I claim him. I am that guy. You see me confidently standing firm. I laugh robustly and try to warm most of the rooms I’m in. I work hard to make you feel loved. I hope this comes across. Then there is the me that no one knows well.
I see this other version of myself that only God truly knows. I see this little boy sitting in the corner. I see tears welling up in his eyes because of something someone said. I see him hang his head because he was hurt when one of his friends let him down. I see his anger when he can’t do things right. I see a little boy who wants desperately to be held. I see a boy that would do anything to get someone to love him the way he needs it. I see a boy that puts his self-worth on the line every time he takes a risk on someone. I see this little boy trying to grow up, but can’t because of himself. I see a little boy longing for something more. You may have seen this little boy in me at some point, but I do my best to keep him occupied. I keep him to myself mostly. I have learned how to suppress him. Yes, he can hinder me sometimes from saying the things I really wish I could, and yes, he sometimes reminds me just how hurtful someone’s words or actions can be. What am I supposed to do with him though? He’s my inner child, and he lives strong. God only knows what I would do without him. I like to think that this same inner child holds the key to my faith. Wasn’t it Jesus himself who said, it takes the faith of a child? Maybe that’s some key to unlock the mystery of ourselves. What if this inner child, this version of ourselves that we try to hid, was the key to figuring out what it means to love without reserve, cry when people are watching, smile when we mean it, rush headlong into relationships, fall head over heals, and authentically care for those around us? Will we know? What does your inner child say to you? Have you grown so cynical and jaded that you can’t hear your inner child? I think he or she is there. If you listen long enough and think hard enough, wouldn’t you give anything to go back and be a kid again? Think about this. Faith of a child. Don’t ever become too grown up to realize that your inner child is there, and if you try to keep him or her away, they aren’t going to leave you. Think like a child today, and live as an adult. The two do not have to be separate.